I don’t like going to bed if you are not in it.
I thought he was the one for me… I really did.
Esa distancia, aquella que era, y ya no es, se siente más que nunca. Es otra: más amplia, más grande, inmensa. Sin embargo, la misma.
No sé que pasa, pero nuestros corazones están cada vez más lejos. El resto de nosotros… sigue igual.
He’s gone, and who knows when I’ll be able to see him again…
Tonight I’m going to London to see my boyfriend after 3 months :’), so I probably won’t be too active here.
I hope you are having a nice summer :D
I remember when I was younger and I haven’t made this mistake yet. I remember how full of life I was, how full of feelings. I found magic in everything, every moment had a lot of deep meaning, even the most meaningless days. I loved my life and I looked at my future with hopeful eyes.
And now… now, well, now is different.
There is so much I have to do now, so much studying, so many exams, so many-other-things-related-to-my-academic-future… And all I want, like, seriously, from every single piece of me, is to be with you. I don’t care about anything else. I have never felt lonelier in my life than now, knowing you love me and with this three thousand kilometers between us that don’t let me feel you how I want to, with each one of my senses. And all I have… I would give it away just to be in your arms.
I have never needed anyone like this. I have never, ever, loved like this.
You are all I want. You are my biggest dream. You are my happiness.
This uni year has been the most stressful of my life. I’ve lost 5 kg. I’ve cried a thousand tears. I’ve thought about leaving everything a million times, and of a lot of other degrees/careers I could do. I’ve been thinking about death for months (not suicide, but natural death, if I’m sure about something is that I want to ENJOY LIFE).
But I’m done. I’m not crying anymore, I will be strong and I will finish this year. I will study but I’ll try not to go crazy. And then I’ll decide what’s best for me. Med school is hard, and then the residency is suppossed to be even harder. Dealing with all that while living on your own, planes away from your beloved ones, without your family, old friends and love of your life, is a lot to struggle with. It’s even worse if I point out how I wasn’t sure about studying this in the first place, and how sad I get when I see SO ill people. You become really aware about death, about that this is just a journey, a few days, and about how many things could happen to you so you die young. And I can’t stop getting the feeling of that I’m loosing my youth between books, the feeling of that I’m fighting so hard for something that it’s not even my dream.
But really, I’m done. I can’t take this stress anymore. I can’t try to talk to my mum about it anymore. She just acts like if Medicine was the only degree with job opportunities. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to make a mistake. I’ll just continue while I can, I’ll finish this year and I’ll hope this is just a phase,a bad time, a moment of weakness.
No more tears.
¿Cómo se ha pasado tan rápido la semana? Que alguien me lo explique.
No he escrito nada “personal” en un tiempo. Sin embargo, a él le escribo todos los días, en una lengua que no es la mía, de una forma que no me esperaba; con unos sentimientos que no esperaba; con unas esperanzas nuevas, que claro, no esperaba. No le esperaba.
Pero ahora, ahora que ha aparecido, ahora que está en mi vida… ahora le espero, ahora sí. Y le esperaré. El tiempo que haga falta…
Puede que al verte no me de un vuelco el corazón, ni me tiemblen las rodillas. No obstante, le das un vuelco a lo amargo de la vida y haces que me tiemblen los labios para dibujar una sonrisa.
Eres la tranquilidad que necesitaba.